Skip to main content

Return to Horror High (1987) - Bill Froehlich

October 3rd, 2010
Return to Horror High is a Horror/Comedy movie that doesn't succeed at anything its trying to do. The movie is a complete failure all the way from the beginning to the end. The film "stars" George Clooney despite the fact that he is only in five minuets of it, and Maureen McCormick who you know as Marsha Brady from the original Brady Bunch who plays a horny young police officer. Both actors give the worst performances of their careers, its terribly pathetic. All in all this movie was a car wreck that lasted all of an hour and thirty five minuets.

The plot is incredibly confusing and it weaves in and out of the old movie-in-a-movie gimmick with a film crew that decides to film at a high-school. The high-school has a weird past where people were murdered by someone that may still be on the loose. I don't really know. Its really hard to follow and it doesn't make much sense.

The movie does however have one of the crappiest sex scenes I have ever seen. First both the guy and gal are hideous, they just shouldn't be intimate. Ever. Second during the sex scene they flash back and forth between "heavy petting" and a bunch of steel workers welding. It literally goes back and forth from sex to welding for like three minuets. Its really weird and off putting that these sweaty fat steel workers are included in the scene.

Overall this movie is incredibly confusing, it has horrible overacting, the killer looks like a linebacker in a shitty mask, and it has the worst ending I have ever seen. I am going to give Return to Horror High a 1 of 10. I suppose that it tried, but it didn't try very hard. I feel bad that Clooney has to have his name attached to this turd for the rest of his career. I am sure that he regrets being in it and I know that I regret seeing it.

I always end these things with some quotes and I actually have 2 from the movie that I like.
"Kastleman! You Honky!" and "You want some of this? You want it in the ear!?"

  •    It made a whopping $198,000.00 its opening weekend
  •    The ending credits read:
The End... Or is it?

Labels:

Comments

Anonymous said…
This one sounds terrible and just about as bad as The Pumpkin Karver, which I watched (or rather laughed repeatedly at to the point where I had no idea what was going on). Maybe that would be a good one to review/trash if you can make it through it.
October 4, 2010 at 9:05 AM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Ju-On (2000) - Takashi Shimizu

Watching Japanese horror is similar to watching British comedy. If you enjoy dry whit then you probably enjoy the boys of Monty Python in drag. That's the joke, they're dressed like women. Get it? Well, that's British humor. But if you're like most Americans you probably prefer Adam Sandler farting his way across a football field and hooking up with chicks that are way out of his league. Americans usually prefer this more in your face, crass brand of humor. My point is funny in England is different from funny in the US. The same goes for J-Horror. What the Japanese consider scary is very different from what Americans consider scary and it shows in this horror film. Japanese horror is generally slow (a little too slow sometimes), suspenseful and creepy. Ju-On is a creepy effing film. The movie has almost no soundtrack. It is incredibly suspenseful and the pay-offs are pretty awesome, but I think that it was done better in the American version (cultural t...
Post a Comment
Not scared yet? »

Le Diable au Convent (1899) - George Melies

Le Diable au Convent is longer than the two previous Georges Méliès ventures into short form horror. This particular French short shows the Devil himself running a convent and terrorizing the poor old nuns that live there. However he is finally vanquished by the good of Faith. This is yet another Méliès classic, showcasing the art work that really goes into his short film-making. This is one of the earliest examples of a horror movie that could rely on its elaborate set design and artistic design. Everything in this film, although horribly aged, has been packaged extremely well. If you are a fan of production and set design then I would highly recommend just about anything that Melies has his name on. Though nothing that is considered too extreme actually happens, Satan does have his way with a convent. The satanic imagery itself must have kept this film on the traveling carnival circuit. It certainly wouldn’t fit into the good moral bag that society shoved i...
1 comment
Not scared yet? »

Spookies (1986) - Genie Joseph, Thomas Doran, and Brendan Faulkner

It's impossible to get a decent movie when you take two films and just squash them together. That is essentially the story of how this movie came together. The film started as Twisted Souls. However, according to the financial backer they didn't have enough horror. So they ended up hiring another guy to come in and add a monster in virtually every scene.  This movie started out being directed by Brendan Faulkner and Thomas Doran. It basically is the tale of two sets of teenagers that arrive to a strange building surrounded by a strange cemetery. It was your usual tale of teenagers in a big hows with a few monsters. Then they brought in Genie Joseph and added even more. Like a haunted birthday party, a murderous cat-man, zombies, and an old wizard. It really became a smorgasbord of horror with a very thin plot-line leading it around. This movie is hard to summarize in a conventional way. It just packs so much.  The most interesting part of this movie are ...
2 comments
Not scared yet? »